Choosers Can't Be Beggars

I have tried to write this twelve times. I don’t think I really know what to say. I'm still trying to sort things out.

TW// Hetero relationships

I don't know what I want or how to get there when it comes to love. I know the person I want to be in love with. I can dream up my dream man, but I don't really know what my dream relationship looks like.

I think my boyfriend would have to be like a niece. Someone that wouldn't be mad if I forgot about him because I was so busy doing things to progress my life forward. Someone I would see from time to time.

But I would also like someone obsessed with me. I want him to think that I am God's gift to earth, immortal.

I would like him to want to marry me and have eight kids, but he should also be okay if I don't feel like I can find time to set aside my career for a while to have and raise these kids. I would want him to be a stay at home dad, but I also want him to work.

Speaking of work, I want him to spoil me, but I don't want to feel taken care of because I make my own money.

But at the same time, do I even want to get married at all?

I want a life companion, but do I want to get to know another person and accept their flaws when I can't even accept mine? Let alone be stuck with them for my whole life?

I don't know what I want.

The way dating culture is now, I don't really have room to explore. I know what everyone else wants. They want a link turned boyfriend turned husband.

I have too much fear related to intimacy for that, man. I want to meet a person I like. Talk with them and get to know them. Spend time with them and grow in our own personal relationship with our own personal goals and our own personal timeline.

This does not mean I don't know what labels are. I understand how they are used as a tool of communication so that both parties know where they stand in a relationship.

I guess my issue is with the rigid timeline and stages of dating nowadays.

I love an open and fluid mindset with the option of moving forward in a relationship. Right now everything feels like Fast and the Furious: Race to a Relationship. It feels like I have to grab on to the first man I can and jump through hoops and squeeze into molds. EW! GROSS!

Let me TAKE MY TIME!! SLOW DOWN!! "So what are your intentions?" I DON'T KNOW SHUT UP!!

"We either together or we not." "link?" " I need me a wifey!" "Imma pull up!"

STOP!!! WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME??? WHERE YO MAMA STAY?? ARE YOU A DOG OR A CAT PERSON??

I swear everyone just regurgitates all of the rhetoric on twitter promoting relationships based on achieving labels not creating increased love and intimacy in the relationship. There is this thing called courtship. It's called time and effort.

Moral of the story CALM IT DOWN AND LET ME BE GREAT! I DON'T KNOW!!